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Due to the overwhelming number of lawyers in this country and their near pathological desire to sue anything that has any money, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the American Medical Association's and American Psychiatric Association's suggestions that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles containing any alcohol :

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell friends -- and even people you don't know -- over and over that you love them.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to an article of clothing, such as your pants, bra, or both.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may result in your waking wearing an article of clothing you previously did not own, such as a bra, golf pants, or really expensive leather jacket.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers, resulting in your getting the living shit kicked out of yourself.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may give you, and only you, the impression that every little thought that enters your mind is absolutely brilliant and worth sharing and repeating several times throughout the evening.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol has been shown to be the leading cause of tattoos, piercings, marriage, divorce, elective surgery, and poor financial decisions.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

 
 
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
- William Shakespeare
 


 

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     Copyright 2002-2004 - David Charles Reed Last Updated: 06 January 2005