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Evil Upheaval

By Andrew Marlatt

Sunday, February 10, 2002; Page B05

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be "way eviler" than the Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.

"Right. They are Just as Evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean President Kim Jong Il.  "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . I mean the best at being evil . . . . We're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition.  In World War II you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil Axis.  So you can only have three.  And a secret handshake.  Ours is wicked cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil, Really, As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't Necessarily the Worst But Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics Anytime Soon; Suriname, Guyana and French Guiana formed the Axis of Countries That Hate That People Always Assume They're in Africa Because They're Not; while Canada, Mexico and Australia established the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America.

"We have a waiting list as long as my arm," said Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israeli officials, meanwhile, insisted they didn't want to join any axis, but privately, some world leaders said that's only because they haven't been asked.

Andrew Marlatt is the oligarch of SatireWire.com, where this article originally appeared, and author of the forthcoming "Economy of Errors" (Broadway Books).

 


 

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